A jaded life in Utah Valley

For most of the world, the spring thaw means new life beginning and warmer days; but around Provo, the melting snow signals only one thing: the barrage of up and coming weddings.  While much of the tacky reception planning is left to the fairer sex (and her color blind mother), the soon-to-be bride and groom can join in the first shoots of their budding married life by taking horrible engagement photos.

During my time here in Provo, I have received no less than 150 wedding invites (yes, it’s true, I had friends once) and needless to say, about 99.9% of them were posted on the fridge solely to be made fun of.  For all of you soon-to-be deflowered virgins (those at the Belmont, Arlington, King Henry, or Alpine Village excluded), I give to you this gift: a “how to” on doing your engagement photos the right way.

Poses/Positions

Pretty much every pose you do has to somehow mimic a sexual position since these photos are, after all, an announcement of the day you will officially be humping your brains out.  Each of these is an actual pose from an announcement I’ve received,  by the way. Remember: the engagement ring must be in EVERY PICTURE.  No exceptions.

The Piggyback: Go ahead girl!  Just jump on his back with a big, shit eating grin on your face.  No, it doesn’t look juvenile at all.  Or dumb. *Note:  Guys, if your girl is “big boned” this is not a good idea.  Your smile will most likely turn into a grimace while you strain under the weight of that manatee you call a fiance.

The Backwards Hug: Guys, hold your girl from behind while she wraps her arms behind her and around your neck.  Have a serious face on while you do this.  You both should be thinking of how deeply in love you are with the other person and that this isn’t a huge mistake because you’ve only been dating two months…

The hipster: This can be done in two ways.   First, it can be just your legs from the knees down.  Your feet should have that “aw, shucks” kind of feel to them.  Second, you should be holding hands but both looking at a cloud in the sky and not at the photographer.  A brick building/car/anything “vintage” background is a must as are hip shoes (toms, vans, “vintage” pumps from DI).

The Bicycle: Putting a vintage bike in your shot is totally original not overdone at all so make sure you set the trend by doing it first.

The Phantom Bicycle: Sometimes, it’s OK to just have your legs and a vintage bicycle for your photo.  Who needs faces anyways?  I mean, it’s so uncool and you want to do something totally unorthodox and trendy so everyone will talk about it, right?

The Palm to Chest: This is self-explanatory.  You two should be doing a half hug where you’re looking at the photographer.  Her hand should be splayed out on the guy’s pec like she’s feeling him up.  This is so everyone can see the shitty ring his summer internship paid for.

The Crossing:  Make sure your “professional” photographer takes you to a set of railroad tracks fora totally “rustic” picture that they can photoshop into sepia tone or black and white.  Trust me, it will totally look artistic and not gay.

The Tree:  Sit in the crook of a low, squat tree like a bunch of fat, hairless squirrels while holding each other awkwardly.  You’re smiles should say “we just agreed to come back to this tree when we’re married so we can bone on it!”  Don’t forget to bring a blanket…

The Not Quite Kissing: This pose is best done with a sunset in the background with the two of you silhouetted in an almost kiss.  While you many think that most people would cringe at the thought of the two of you in any kind of romantic union, just keep in mind that they’re just jealous.

The Kiss: Make sure you do this open mouth so everyone knows not only how in love you are, but also how mature you are.

The Dip: Guys, hold your fiance by the hands while she dips her head back.  It should look like some kind of awful swing dance move.

Choosing the right photographer

This is a tough one because anyone with a cameras nowadays considers themselves one.  To do this the right way, pick the absolute cheapest person you can find, or, guilt trip someone you know into doing it.  Here are some suggestions.

Your cousin: She did photos for every wedding in your family so, like, she’s totally a professional.  Even though she knows nothing about lighting, framing, or photography in general, she can like, fix it in, like, photoshop or something.

Your Roommate: Since your roommate totally has a sweet camera that his parents bought him for Christmas last year, that makes him a photographer.  I mean, he has three kinds of lenses!  Three!  If that doesn’t make you pro, I don’t know what does, bro.

Yourself: How hard can it be right?  I’ll just set up a tripod and use my little Kodak camera.  It’s 14 megapixels so it’s going to come out great.

Some “photographer” you found on the Wilk board: You’re paying her fifty bucks so she has to be good.  Right?

The Announcement Cards

Make sure you make these as complicated as possible.  Ribbons, buttons, and anything else you can hot glue on to them is a must.  The more the better.  Your goal is to make the envelope as wavy and wrinkled as possible.  Don’t worry though, if it goes in all perfect and pretty it will totally come out that way too.  The post office will treat them like fragile cargo.

Ribbon/bow: Make sure you tie these by hand so you can complain/brag to all of your friends at the reception about how hard you worked on that pile of shit you call a wedding announcement.

Sticks/twigs: These are great because they look totally cool and they’re FREE!  Hot glue these to the top of your cheaply printed announcement and viola! you have a totally cheap announcement with stick on it!

Button: Gluing one on is good, but sewing one on is hipster and chic.  Make sure you go to Anthropologie or some other hip store to buy unique, one of a kind buttons (sorry, but Urban Outfitters doesn’t sell them).

Typography: Use the most lavish and unreadable font possible so your guests can’t tell if you’re getting married on the 11th or the 17th of June.

Registry cards: Make sure you put these in so everyone knows that they have to buy you a gift.  While you may think that guilting people into buying you a wedding present is wrong, you’ll quickly change your mind when you finally get that wal-mart blender you’ve always wanted!

Everything Else

Paper:  Buying expensive card stock or paper isn’t necessary, a quick trip to Kinko’s or that place in the Wilk with self serve copiers will have you done and ready to mail in less than an hour.

Using tons of Pics: Who says you have to send just one photo?  Why not make your announcement a tri-fold brochure and put, oh I don’t know, 20-30 photos on it?  Awesome.

Stamps: Putting a “Love” stamp on your envelopes is a must.  Why? Because you two are totally not going to be divorced in two years.

Glitter: Definitely put this shit in the envelope so when people open it, it spills everywhere!  Since it’s impossible to clean up on the first try, your guests will be constantly reminded of your reception for the next few weeks when they keep finding it in their carpet, hair, shoes, socks, clothes, dog’s fur, glasses, kitchen, ears, toothbrush, bedsheets….

Let me just say this now and get it over with: Fuck.  Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckingfuck!   If there was a way for me to do the Napoleon Dynamite sigh through words I would be typing it right now.  This suspension couldn’t have come at more critical time for the Cougs and I’m willing to bet my next paycheck that my slew of four letter words a couple sentences ago perfectly exemplifies what every Cougar fan is thinking right now.  Anyone denying this is a liar and will most likely be thrust down to hell.

While this blow is a tough one for BYUers, let us not forget that as a team, the Cougars are still rolling pretty deep.  Oh, and we still have that one guy, what’s his name? Oh yeah, JIMMER.  Thank the stars for that.

Now, while my readers may think this blog will lambaste the Honor Code and try to point out it’s many, many flaws, they couldn’t be farther from the truth.  Sorry Cougar fans, but Brandon Davies got what he deserved (kinda).  My points:

Why the Honor Code was right to suspend him: Listen, I don’t want to hear about how athletes get recruited while never fully understanding the Honor Code and all that bullshit.  They know EXACTLY what they’re getting into.  I mean, unless they’re complete morons, they’ve heard enough about Honor Code violations and the punishments affixed to know better and Brandon Davies is no exception.  He grew up in Provo for fuck’s sake!

Athletes vs. the rest of the student body: Do I think Davies should be suspended?  Personally?  No.  I think a council that polices student behavior and morality is absurd because it’s a secular (non ecclesiastic) council and has no business in spiritual matters.  On the other hand, athletes should not be treated differently than the rest of the student body when it comes to honor code infractions – no matter what the idiotic masses say.

Don’t agree?  What if you and Davies committed the same “honor code crime” and you got punished and he didn’t?  Would you still be super stoked that he could still play ball and you had to explain to your parents why you had to defer a semester at the Y?  Hell no.  You’d be the be the first person calling Davies a son of a bitch wouldn’t you?  You bet your cracker ass you would.

Why everyone is so bent out of shape:  This is a simple one: because we’re winning games.  Do you really think anyone would care if we weren’t nationally ranked?  I mean, did anyone bitch and moan and complain when Mike Lloyd Jr. left BYU under shady circumstances last year?  No.  Even though he dropped 26 points in our tournament win over Florida last year no one was crying afoul; no one was trying to keep him around because we were satisfied with our mediocre season. 

Let’s be honest, how much better do you think the Cougs would be with Lloyd Jr. this year?  The answer is:  a shit ton better.  BYU loses athletes all of the time to the honor code.  But they also lose a lot of quality students as well.  Let’s not forget that.

Why the Honor Code was wrong to suspend him:  Please allow me to state this again: the Honor Code is a waste of University money and time.  I mean, aren’t they doing the job that your Bishop (Priest, Rabbi, whatever) should be doing?  Punishment for spiritual infractions is not their job.  In a church that believes in lay clergy, we sure do pay a lot money for people to infringe upon ecclesiastic privacy and punish spiritual transgressions.  Sounds like a paid clergy to me.

In the case of Davies,  I’ve seen no evidence to back the DUI rumors or any type of arrestable crime.  This means that it must be something to do with morality.  Again, this is a job for an ecclesiastical leader, not a bunch of paid douche bags in an office.  Also, I’m wondering if Davies confessed at all to his infraction against the Honor Code.  I mean, if he didn’t, then the accusations are hearsay and it’s one person’s word against another’s.

It’s strange that BYU thinks it’s student body is too immature to select their own housing but mature enough to follow a very unforgiving (and, at times, draconian) moral code.  They treat them like children while expecting adult behavior.  It’s not just wrong, it’s confusing as well.

Why Brandon Davies is a dumbass:  Pure and simple, because he got caught.  Sorry Bran-Deezy, but you fucked up on this one.

Why Every BYU student should still be backing Brandon Davies: You know, I’ve heard a lot of angry sentiments from Cougar fans against Davies – calling him names and telling him to not show his face on campus and bullshit like that.  Allow me to say this to these people: Shut. Your. Fucking. Mouths. You ungrateful pieces of shit.

This kid has been busting his ass for 29 games this season to entertain YOU.  Sure, he must have some love for the game and dreams of making the draft, but he works hard in the paint so you ungrateful bastards have something to cheer about.

Whatever this young man has done, he has done to himself.  Not to you. The fact that the Cougar cagers may not get a #1 seed in the tourney does not affect you at all.  Your life will continue on in its own boring way.  Davies, on the other hand, has put his future career and education in jeopardy.  Instead of making him a pariah, we should give him our support and thank him for his hard work.

I repeat, his suspension doesn’t affect you at all.  While the team may struggle with his absence, we should hope that this great athlete will choose to stay at BYU, not only for basketball, but for a top quality education as well.

In closing, allow me to say these parting words: Free Deezy!

Girl #1:  She had schizophrenia or something so, like, when she wasn’t home, I would google her pills to make sure she wasn’t that crazy.

Girl #2: You don’t think that’s an invasion of privacy?

Girl #1: Nope.  I was protecting myself.

- 900 East

I’ll be the first one to admit it: Jimmer Fredette is the best thing that’s happened to BYU since the opening of the Taco Bell in the Cougareat.  Hands down.  Think about it, who (or what) else has had such a large impact on the solidarity of the student body than Jimmer?  Steve Young?  Max Hall? Lavell?  Not even close.  Hell, I’d almost go as far to say that not even Mormonism has united the student population as much as Jimmer has because even the non-Mormons love him.

With all that being said, allow me to play devil’s advocate for a bit.  Jimmer is also the worst thing that has happened to BYU since the introduction of the dress and grooming standards in the 1940′s.  I mean, how the hell are the Cougars going to top this kid?  Quite honestly, Jimmer is pretty much the apex of what we have for fame and it really is all downhill from here.  Come next year, be prepared for some post-Jimmer depression.

Some more points:

Why Michelle Peralta was right: Hey, I might not fully agree with Michelle in her not-so-well-thought-out-oops-I’m-a-dumbass rant in the Daily Universe, but you have to admit, she has a point.   Listen, Mormonism is a very strict religion and while Jimmer fans may not be guilty of idol worship, they are doing something that is heavily frowned upon.  The fact that a bunch of ecclesiastically endorsed BYUers bombarded her with over the line comments  via Facebook was about as funny as it was sacrilegious and blasphemous.  Sorry Jimmer fans, but comparing him to God, Christ, a diety or anything else like that is against your religion.  While the world (myself included) may think it to be harmless (and hilarious), it’s not.

The worst part is that this girl has become the butt of every joke for voicing her opinion.  Now, I’m all for making fun of people, but for a student body that professes tolerance and love, they’re not showing it.  It’s hypocrisy (no surprise here) and honestly, it’s the classic Mormon mentality where we have hate on anything that is different.   No, really, we totally do that.  All the time.

Listen, this girl doesn’t like basketball so why crucify her for it? The worst part about this is the fact that lame ass shit like this pops up.  Why the fuck does every BYU guy think he’s a comedian?

I used to have a Bishop (when I was *gasp!* active) who used to tell me that anything you wouldn’t say in front of the prophet is probably a bad thing.  While you may think it to be funny, please bear in mind that you will most likely go to hell for it.  No worries though, I’ll be there to save you a seat (along with every other Jimmer fan and every APX salesman ever hired).

Why Michelle Peralta was wrong:  First off, it’s not idol worship.  No one prays to Jimmer (I think).  And even if they did, I’m pretty sure when Jimmer gets drafted by the Knicks (fuck yeah!) they’ll stop.  Secondly, by making your opinion public, you allow yourself to be ridiculed, taunted, and shamed.  Think of the President of the United States – by his becoming a public figure, we, as the public, then own him.  Michell Peralta didn’t get “Jimmered”, she got owned, bitch.

Why the term “Jimmered” makes me cringe: “You got Jimmered” – how does that not sound sexual in a very, very bad way?  Maybe my mind is a bit more sick and twisted than most, but come on, “Jimmered?”  It sounds like a euphemism for a male ejaculation.

What are you gonna do next year?: I love BYU Basketball.  And while I no longer go to games (apparently, when you swear at the opposing players and coaches, they ban you for life, those fuckers), I still catch the games (or highlights) on TV.

I like Jimmer because he brings prestige to the program and will (hopefully) give us some clout for future recruiting.  With that being said, allow me to point this out: I’m a Cougar fan, not a Jimmer fan. I’ve been following the Cougar cagers for 15 years now and I don’t intend to stop.  Yet, while Jimmer-mania is great and all, I have to ask,  what about next year? Will anyone stick around to watch the Cougs in a rebuilding year and cheer them on with just as much enthusiasm as they did this season?

The answer is: probably not.  I hate to say it, but BYU is sick with a malady called fair weather fans.  It’s a crying shame.

Why I love Jimmer: Aside from my previous comment about recruiting, Jimmer is a damn fine athlete to watch and it’s fun to see exactly how many points he’s going to drop during a game.  Hopefully, some great high school prospects will begin to see BYU as a national contender and come here to further improve the program.  Trust me, I went through the 1996 season (1-25) and I never want to see that shit again.

Why I hate Jimmer: Reason 1: He’s leaving us this year.  Reason 2: He is so damn good that it makes me never want to play basketball again.  Reason 3: His awesomeness spawns shit like this.  Reason 4: His girl is hotter than a heat rash in the middle of a fire on the surface of the sun.  In hell. Reason 5: Due to current Utah state laws, we can never be married.

Jimmer, praised be his name…

Girl: So who do you want to win?

Me: The Packers.

Girl: Oh, I want the other team.

Me: You mean the Steelers?

Girls: Is that them?  Yeah, the black and yellow guys.

Me: Are you even a fan?

Girl: No, I just like their colors better.  Green and yellow is so ugly.

- 900 East